Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Annapolis Gospel Fest

(Caution this is a parody - it may offend - I'm hoping you'll laugh like I did.)

Annapolis- Welcome to the First AME Church in Christ Holy Name of the Redeemer in the Mosque and Synagogue of Annapolis. We have asked clergy members to move to the front, and please no crowding. Our invocations will be lead by a pair of renowned pastors from our state Reverends C.A.Museum, and His Eminence Fireinpants. Pastors please note our time is short (one week to be exact) so refrain from any shout-outs.

Reverend Museum –“In the name of the most holy Gorgeous Prince George’s County I want to welcome you to this preordained service. My name, I mean his name, shall be exalted above all others. If god had not created a more perfect region in the state of Maryland it would be my home county. Heavenly father please bless my county known for corruption, malfeasance, bribery, and our close proximity to Washington. We pray for our bounty as the most affluent Black jurisdiction in the state which we never fail to let people know. In god’s name we pray that my exploratory committee to run for higher office attracts people other than my Prince Georgians (Baltimore are you with me). Amen.”

Reverend Fireinpants- in his deepest southern drawl – “Father have mercy on our state for we often don’t understand what we do…like the last session when we took blasphemy to a new level by considering Same Sex Marriage. Heavenly, father that dreaded bill will not come up during this session if you will have your will. God we ask you to remember all those Prince Georgians who voted to kill this measure and grant them sizable tax free donations from your churches. In heavens name we pray, Amen."

Our Announcer is Brother Charles “I use to work in White Country/Black Gospel Radio Back in the Day” Robinson. Brother Robinson you have the mike.

I want to lay down the rules for this Gospel Fest.

1. All participants must sing from the same Hymnal.
2. Groups must prescribe to the call and response of Gospel Music.
3. Soloist cannot extend their songs by resorting to jazz scatting.
4. Straying from the provided text may cause primary political challengers. No political parties are exempt.
5. Winners and losers will be selected in the same manner imposed by such shows as American Idol, The Voice, and the X-factor.

Lastly, I want to let you know this event is being sponsored by the Pit- “You know we can smell it before we see it.”

First up is a trio known as “Sue Who” – It features an Irish singer, a Notre Dame fan, and a red/blonde Singer who favors a personal friend who went to the University of Maryland but doesn’t live anywhere near the school.

“Excuse me Brother Robinson?”


“We have a featured vocalist.”

And who is that.

“Freda Getalong. She’ll be leading us in a song we just love. “Don’t Stray from the Hymnal or We’ll Hurt You.”

Let’s take a listen.

Our next performer is Evangelist Don’t Mess With Me Congresswoman. Evangelist Congresswoman, what song are you going sing?

“They Never Knew My Pain and Want to Marginalize Me”.

Let’s hear it.

I see we have a group resembling the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

“Brother Robinson, how many people can we have on stage?”

It’s up to you.

“We would like to start with several soloist who have variations on our theme ‘God Knows, What Were You Thinking When You Drew This Map’ followed by our chorus who will chime in with “They Are Here to Raise Your Taxes Jesus.”

You’re going to get this all in during the prescribed timeframe?

“Hallelujah we will.”

Get ready for soul stirring Gospel, folks.

This next group comes from the Church of the Evangelista of Montgomery County. Carmelita Pho Seoul Patel is its leader. What song are you planning to sing?

“Brother Robinson ours is a classic; ‘You Can’t See Me But I’m Here and the Census Proves It.’”

Ah, sookie –sookie now ya’ll gonna get a lot of praise for that one.

Are there any other performers? I’ll leave the sign-up sheet on the table in case of any last minute entries.

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to any person real or fictional is purely coincidental. This is parody.

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